Friday, March 31, 2006

This is my annual.......................

weekend of seclusion. This weekend is the aniversary of the loss of a dear friend. To use the term, we were post high school sweethearts. To this day, I owe no-one more than I do her. She offered me support at a particularly low point in the family life. All it took was a look at her eyes, her smile, and a few words. Somehow, she knew what to do to make life seem better. She went to the local J.C. & I dove headlong into my own interests. After quite a few months, we decided that we needed a break. No war, no arguement, no harsh words. Just. let's see how we feel in a couple of months. End of story........sort of.

Without going into the details, we reconnected again. I had a real health issue scare, and wondered about her. She was married, & had a near death experience (she had serious health issues from about 8 years old). After she pulled through, I was thought of. So she tracked me down just to say,"Hi". We traded letters (yes, handwritten!), and a few tele calls. More often, after she flung out her husband for some "outside activity". By the way he knew about me, didn't mind the contact (little did anyone know what he was up to!?!) & we had some conversations. Anyway, at 400 miles away, calls & letters were the best we could do. One day I called her & being in a mush brain mood, I spoke my mind. I apologized for anything I did to ever upset her, for the times I was away playing with cars, and on, & on. She stopped me & said that the "seperation was all her fault, & she was sorry!" I said that this conversation would have never occured had we simply had a war & broke up. Followed with , maybe we should have gotten married, then divorced.   At least hating each other would have ended things. She, then said, "I know we wouldn't have gotten a divorce".  There was lots of silence & a few tears shed during that conversation. That was the last time we spoke. She wrote to me a week or two later, & while I was in the process of writing a reply, she passed away. I still have the unfinished letter. In retrospect, after that last tele conversation, I wish I had driven south, showed up on her doorstep, & said.................??" Who knows what may have happened.

A couple of nights after she died, I received a tele call from her Mom. Of all those in her daughter's address book, I was the only one that she felt the need to call. What can I say, she liked me. Surprise, there were two people out there that fondly thought of me, Needless to say, I spent quite a while like a zombie. I merely functioned & existed, without really feeling alive. Numb & devastated best describes it. I'm still not over it & I doubt that I ever will be. I must admit that I never got over her!!

So, this weekend will pass with no fanfare, no craziness. Instead, it will be quiet. I will reminisce. Nothing but the good times. Until we went our seperate ways, that's all we had! Above all is one of the last things she said to me in our last conversation........."Be true to myself". I owe her so much. For the time & the happiness she gave me, for the faith she had in my abilities, and for that one day I was thought of. Here am I, the one who's a bit off centre, being philosophical................"If you've someone special in your life, hold onto them. If you have a second chance with someone, go after it with all your heart!" Trust me, as I will probably spend forever thinking, "What if........?" It's not fun.

To anyone that happens to read this, enjoy your weekend with someone you truely care about......Cheers.